David Miliband's Not So Selfless Act

David Miliband standing down
from front line politics is a massive blow to his brother. For Labour it's bad enough the more electable Miliband isn't leader, to lose him from the team completely is a disaster.

Yes he's a ditherer, yes he was cowardly for not challenging Brown when he had the chance, but the elder Miliband looks head and shoulders above all the other shadow cabinet candidates. And he knows it.

He's clearly calculated his brother's leadership will end in failure and defeat. He spins his standing down as a selfless act the give his brother Ed more space and to help him build party unity but his real motivation is self interest. He knows that when his brother fails the party may well turn to him. But they're only likely to do that if he keeps his half of the Miliband brand untainted by his brother's failure. By withdrawing now he's is indeed allowing his brother space or, more accurately, rope with which to hang himself. Then MiliD can come riding back into town and the Labour MPs and party members, that always preferred him anyway, will back him in greater numbers, enough this time to outnumber any Union vote for a left winger, if one bothers to stand against him.

David Cameron would do well to think about a nice rich gravy train of a role for David Miliband. One that ties him up for at least 5 years but not one with a very high profile in the UK. Something in the EU perhaps?

Ed's First Blow

The IMF has issued a report praising the coalition government's economic strategy to reduce the deficit, calling it "strong and credible" and "essential to ensure debt sustainability".

“The plan greatly reduces the risk of a costly loss of confidence in public finances and supports a balanced recovery. Fiscal tightening will dampen short-term growth but not stop it as other sectors of the economy emerge as drivers of recovery, supported by continued monetary stimulus.”

This really couldn't have come at a worse time for new Labour leader, Ed "better than my brother" Miliband. Deficit denial may have been a position that got him the backing of the Unions and therefore the leadership, but it's looking increasingly delusional and he must now be able to see that it's an untenable position to maintain any longer.

Look out for a humiliating climb down over the next few weeks/months. If he gifts the Shadow Chancellorship to his brother he can at least make it look like a concession to his defeated sibling, in the name of party unity. But it's by no means certain brother David will accept the offer.

Surely now, Ed Balls has no chance of replacing poor old Alistair Darling. Darling's plans were woefully inadequate, leaving the government spending at a level that continued to add to the already enormous mountain of debt wracked up by Labour, even after a whole parliament. But the Eds (Balls & Miliband) seem to think even Darling was too prudent. Why not draw down a few more £100 millions on the old over-draught, if it means a few extra votes?

But Ed is not stupid. He did what he had to do to beat his brother and get elected, now he has to face up to the real world. It's difficult to see how he can change course without looking chameleonesque - saying one the to Labour and the Unions and another the the general public, but not changing his mind is worse in the long run. Unless, that is, the global downturn we've seen evidence of recently in the US and Ireland, leads the UK into another recession (no matter how short). Even though such an event would have happened regardless of government, Labour will portray it as the result of cutting public expenditure. Because for them public spending = the economy.

The IMF believe a double dip recession is very unlikely but point out that the global economy can be unpredictable.

Unless he changes course on the economy, Ed Miliband must hope the unlikely double dip comes to pass and that the British electorate will be gullible enough to believe his diagnosis of the cause. Otherwise, at the next election, he'll continue to look as irrelevant as he and his party does today.

Is Ed Miliband Just An Inbetweener Leader?

As Ed Miliband gets his first day as Labour leader out of the way, there are many questions that he'll need to answer to start to build his credibility in his new role. But the most pressing question for many commentators, especially on Twitter, seems to be - who does Ed Miliband look like.

Suggestions I've seen have included Forrest Gump, Mr Bean and Bert from Bert and Ernie.

For me, I can't help thinking of Will (Simon Bird) from The Inbetweeners when I see him awkwardly walking onto the conference stage...

The Inbetweeners

Ed Miliband - chuffed that girls want to talk to him all of a sudden

Once this important question is answered we can move on to finding out if Ed really is going to lurch Labour to the left as he implied he would during the campaign and in the Sunday Mirror today or whether he's actually middle England's friend, not a taxer and spender like Gordon, as he said in The Sunday Telegraph. It's worth noting that spell checkers want to change Miliband to Militant - Prove positive that the man's a raving communist! And even more pressingly, how is he going to unite the Labour party given that he failed to garner the majority support of MPs, MEPs or the party membership (even the inbetweener leader of the Tories Iain Duncan Smith managed to get the support of the party membership, if not the MPs).

Inbetweener may be apt for another reason. Bookmakers have lengthened the odds on Labour winning the next election following his victory. It seems, at first glance, that he is not going to be the next Labour PM. He could just be an inbetweener.

Decision Time For Labour - Banana Man or Forrest Gump

It's not long now until one of the Milibands gets elected to the position of leader of the Labour Party. The world waits with disinterested breath (what do you mean that doesn't make any sense?) for the result announcement at 4 sometime or other, later today.

Will Labour veer to the left with David or lurch to the left with Ed? For both candidates served under New Labour but have played to the Real Labour agenda that the party membership, unions and many MPs wish they could return to.

Between the two Milibands, David is seen as the most moderate and "New Labour"; Ed has been dubbed Red Ed due to his left wing rhetoric and increasingly delusional deficit denying that is almost on a par with Ed Balls' position.

Clearly David would be the more electable candidate but he has promised a left turn (even if not as sharp a one as his brother) to the Labour/Union electorate and they will expect him to deliver, damaging the party's chances of getting back in. That's good news for the country but it could be even better...

I've always thought Ed had a good chance of winning even though David's been the clear favourite up to very recently. That's because of Labour tripartite electoral college and the AV electoral system that means 2nd preference votes can make a big difference to the result. It seems to me that most Brownites will vote for Ed Balls but give their 2nd prefs to Ed Miliband. While the other leftists will split their 1st pref votes among Balls, Abbot and Burnham but, knowing it's really going to be between D and E Miliband will place a 2nd pref vote for the one taking a more leftist position - Red Ed. So David could win on 1st preference votes - clearly the most sensible result for Labour, but if it's close and 2nd preferences become relevant he could lose due to tactical preferential voting. Labour would be left (in both senses of the word) with a candidate no one really wanted.




David must be praying it isn't close and that he wins outright. Otherwise, how he'll regret his cowardice when he shrank from dislodging the obviously failing Gordon Brown earlier this year. He could have seized the day back then and relieved us all of Brown's malign influence sooner than was otherwise the case. Instead, he put his personal interest (didn't want to lead a party likely to lose the next election and feared the Brownite backlash) before the country's and even his party's.



Pity poor Labour. Their choice is between two barely humanoid nerds, one a coward and one an unelectable leftist looky-likey of Forrest Gump.

Safe Sex In So Many Words

The definitive list of trite slogans guaranteed to stop you using condoms...

• Cover your stump before you hump
• Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
• Don’t be silly, protect your Willie
• When in doubt shroud you spout
• Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
• You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong
• If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
• If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
• It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
• If you slip between her thighs, condomize
• She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
• If you go into heat, package your meat
• While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
• When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
• Especially in December, gift wrap your member
• Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
• Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
• The right selection, is to protect your erection
• Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
• A crank with armor, will never harm her
• If you really love her, wear a cover
• Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake
• Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
• If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
• No glove, no love
• If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye
• Even If she’s eager, protect her beaver
• Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
• Avoid a frown, contain your clown
• Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
• Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
• Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
• The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
• Cloak the joker before you poke her
• Encase that torch before you paint her porch

I've seen this list a couple of times on the internet. It's not my own work, honestly! However, I'll give it a go...

Before you release your man-fat, make sure you wear a cock-hat.

I'll give up there I think. Sorry.

Cat In A Bin... They Love It Really

I see the, now infamous, cat dumper Mary Bale has been charged with animal cruelty.

Good. However, if she ever saw a cat doing this, perhaps she's stupid enough to think she was helping her feline victim out...

Miliband Same Room Shocker Revealed...

The Labour leadership race was thrown into turmoil today by the revelation that Edward "Ed" Miliband and David "David" Miliband have, in the past, shared a room together. The allegations (made by this blog) are reminiscent of the intrigue surrounding William Hague after a similar rumour, on Guido Fawkes (much better) blog, involving Hague (or the "the bummer Hague" as Guido calls him) and a young male special advisor.

However, a political analyst (well, me) has pointed out that the Miliband allegations have added scandal potential given that it has also emerged that the Miliband Brothers are also brothers, sharing as they do the same parents. The Milibands are understood to have shared a room when they lived at home and, on occasion, in hotel rooms when on holiday. The woman, that both men call mother, is a life long member of the Labour party but has said she refuses to vote for either of them in the leadership election. Clear proof that she is aware of their incestuous relationship and doesn't want the party damaged by their sick brother on brother bum love.

The recruitment of Hague's special advisor was questioned when it came to light that he wasn't well qualified for the role. The same concerns are being levelled at the Milibands with regard to their ability to run the Labour party, let alone a country. The similarities between the Hague case and the new Miliband case are numerous and both are equally as likely to be true.

Oooh... fancy a banana?

Earlier in the campaign Ed Miliband was quoted as saying he "loved" his brother and that they were "best friends". These words show their relationship has clearly gone beyond casual sausage hiding between parliamentary votes. David Miliband was also overheard suggesting to his brother that either of them could "lick Balls", a reference to the rumoured equality within their relationship, where they share the role of "taker" equally between themselves - both have made numerous mentions of equality in their public speeches. David Miliband is also renowned for playing suggestively with bananas, even in public. These words and actions were initially considered perfectly innocent, now we know better.

Both Miliband brothers deny having an improper relationship. All of the other leadership candidates refused to comment, apart from Ed Balls, who said "There's nothing wrong with being gay... But I'm not gay, I like girls and sports and DIY".

Scaping the Political Celeb Barrel

The Wife of The Speaker

This William Hague story seems to be forcing the media to scrape the barrel to find vaguely political personalities to offer their mostly irrelevant and always vacuous opinions. I was subjected to the-bloody-Hamiltons on the TV news, yesterday. I guess the subconscious message they wanted to put across was "a return to Tory sleaze". All very silly.

I-Mu speaker. Sally's 2nd husband?

But The BBC has outdone its media rivals by wheeling out a woman who has no other qualification to comment on political matters than being unable to get selected to run for Labour as a councillor and being married to the shortest speaker since the I-Mu - Sally Bercow. As reported in The Telegraph she opines that William Hague should not have issued such a detailed personal statement in defence of the rumours of him having an extra-marital gay affair with a special advisor. It's been a line of attack used by the political opponents of the Tories and others a lot over the past few days in order to keep the story alive and add to the perception that there is more to this than Hague is letting on.

Firstly, it ill behoves someone who issued an undeniably unnecessary personal exposé of her life when she was in her mid-twenties to lecture someone else on being to revealing in their public statements. Either in the hope of making a name for herself or spiking any negative stories that may have come out about her, she admitted to being "out of control" and "binge-drinking; having one night stands".  Frankly, I didn't give a frig (although she probably has been given a few in pub car parks etc.), it all sounds fairly normal to me, this is not Victorian England, after all. But the column inches it generated helped build her celebrity far more than just being "the wife of The Speaker of the House of Commons". Job done

Secondly, there is a good reason for Hague to bring up the intensely personal information such the heart break that he and Ffion have suffered over the years with multiple miscarriages as they attempt to start a family. That they were childless after 13 years of marriage was a fact that is being used to insinuate that the marriage was a sham. It is the most tawdry part of this whole saga and exposes the rumour mongers (including those making money from appearing in the media to comment and keep the story alive) as the turds they are.