Thursday, June 15, 2017

Agony Uncle Corbyn

After hearing Jeremy Corbyn's responses to recent major incidents, including the two horrible terrorist attacks during the election and the terrible Grenfell tower inferno this week, I wondered how he'd respond to agony aunt style pleas for sensitive, honest, non-self-serving advice and guidance...

Dear Jeremy,

I fear my wife is having an affair. I've been told by a mutual friend that she's seeing a fireman from my local fire station that she met on a girls night out last year, but I've no definite evidence she is. 

What can I do to find out if she is cheating and rebuild our relationship if she is?


Barry, Yeovil.

Dear Barry,

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. It's clear to me that your trust in your wife has been damaged by your friend's revelation. If you ask your wife directly about her potential infidelity you will expose your lack of trust in her. However, if you ignore it, the doubt will naw away at your feelings for her and may destroy your marriage for good. 

What is clear, however, is that firefighters have suffered years of cuts and pay restraint at the hands of this Tory government. Is it any wonder that they seek solace for the years of intolerable abuse in the bosom of other men's wives? I note that at no point in your letter to me did you mention austerity and how that may have had a bearing on your situation. I suspect you may not have voted Labour. Have you ever thought that it might be your vote that caused your marital difficulties?

Until you accept that it is Theresa May and her Tory party that is to blame for your wife's suspected infidelity, you can never begin to rebuild your marriage. 

Yours in solidarity,



Dear Jeremy,

I've always enjoyed a very active sex life. However, after turning 50, I've experienced erectile dysfunction a couple of times in the last few months. I am worried this may occur more often as I age, leaving me incapable of enjoying this important side of my life, or being able to satisfy my wife and various mistresses needs in bed. 

Is there any advice you can provide to reassure me as I am sure the stress of worrying about it is making matters worse. 

Philip, Somerset 

Dear Philip,

We all age (I'm 68 years old, although able to achieve full sexual engorgement at any time I put my mind to it) and as part of that ageing process we find that our bodies let us down from time to time. What is important to remember is that even if things get worse there are medications available that can help put lead back in your pencil. 

But, you say you've only experienced a couple of incidents of erectile dysfunction in the past few months. This may be due to stress more than any ageing of your body.

Perhaps you're a public sector worker forced to have your final salary pension downgraded? Or an unskilled worker who is working on a zero hours contract, or perhaps you are disabled and not working and you face the humiliation of being assessed to confirm whether or not you can work? The chances are, it's the Tories who are causing you to lose wood. 

Theresa May doesn't give your erection a second thought when she's plotting the next unnecessary and heartless cuts to the public sector. She would laugh at your impotence, point and probably flick your limp noodle before making love to her gym instructor in front of you. That's Tories for you. 

Have you never wondered why it's only since Theresa May became Prime Minister that you have had this issue? 

It's only me and my Labour Party that will stop austerity and spend much more on public sector workers; it's only me and my Labour Party that will scrap zero hours contracts and provide everyone with a highly paid, secure full time jobs whether they want them or not; it's only me and my Labour Party who will ensure anyone who wants benefits will get them and get much more money than before; it's only me and my Labour Party that will stop gym instructors having sex with our wives. 

You know what to do at the next election if you want to get an erection (note to Seamus: could this be a new sound bite at the next GE?).

Yours in solidarity,



Dear Jeremy,

Since losing my wife after a short and unexpected illness last year I've struggled to cope with life and feel lonely and increasingly hopeless. 

Is there any advice you can give that can lift my spirits?


Bill, 78, Manchester. 

Dear Bill, 

Firstly, let me send you my condolences and great sympathy for your loss. Adjusting to life after losing your life partner is such a huge challenge but one many of us have to, sadly, face in our later lives. It's important you know that you are not alone and there are many other bereaved widows and widowers (or Wids if they are non-binary) facing the same challenges as you. I advise reaching out to friends and family as well as looking for companionship with others of your age who may be going through a similar journey. You can then begin to rebuild social networks that you may not currently have for support and continue the grieving process but with more companionship of others who understand what you're going through. 

You mention that your wife died after a short and unexpected illness. It must have been a terrible shock. Was she being treated at one of our (Labour's) NHS hospitals? Everyone who works there is an angel, of course. But the chances are she'd still be alive today if it wasn't for Tory cuts and austerity. Yes, they tell you they've increased spending on our (Labour's) NHS but the facts are that our (Labour's) NHS needs far more money than whatever they have spent. Probably six or ten times more. Whatever, it's a lot and I'll spend it. 

It's only Labour that can be trusted with our (Labour's) NHS. I only wish you were still enjoying the companionship of your good lady wife. But the Tories and Theresa May had other ideas. 

I hope you find companionship and happiness in the coming years and that I become Prime Minister before all your new friends and potentially a new partner are killed by Theresa May's assault on our (Labour's) NHS. 

Yours in solidarity,


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